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Old March 14th, 2007, 15:02   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #26
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Hahaha!
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Old March 16th, 2007, 14:13   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #27
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GCSE Exam Questions

The following questions and answers were collated from last year's GCSE exams

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
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Old March 23rd, 2007, 13:58   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #28
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The Non-Stress Diet :)

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch

4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner

Loaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars



Rules For This Diet

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
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Old March 23rd, 2007, 16:23   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #29
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Mindbenders!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!


Another one:

1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between.
2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together.
4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on...
6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.
7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color.
9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark.
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Old March 27th, 2007, 13:25   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #30
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
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Old March 27th, 2007, 17:35   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #31
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hehe, good one A good reason to buy a bed without legs..
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Old March 29th, 2007, 11:47   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #32
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Quote:
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Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q.Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?
A. Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
We instructors are the best, simply the best, no protest..shallala
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Old March 29th, 2007, 11:51   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #33
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The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question


"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."


"I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."


"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."


"Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"


"Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."


"Like the girl I was with yesterday."


"Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."


"Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."


"How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
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Old March 29th, 2007, 11:54   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #34
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Bad costumer.

You Might Be A Bad Customer If:


You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.


You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.


You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.


You return the coffee because it's too hot.


You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).


You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.


You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.


If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20


You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.


You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.


You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.


While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"


You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.


You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.


You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
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Old March 29th, 2007, 11:57   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #35
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Quote:
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"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."

"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."
hahaha gotta love it But come on, women can be just as bad when it comes to making comments!
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Old March 29th, 2007, 11:59   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #36
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Give me some examples please
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Old March 29th, 2007, 12:12   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #37
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Give me some examples please
there are plenty in the Women vs Men thread Just take a look here! If that doesn't convince you, I'll find some better examples..
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Old March 29th, 2007, 12:19   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #38
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Quote:
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there are plenty in the Women vs Men thread Just take a look here! If that doesn't convince you, I'll find some better examples..
I think you should find better examples, the "Women vs Men" thread are not comments, it's what men would like women to do or not do This should be interesting..
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Old April 2nd, 2007, 11:33   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #39
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Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

Germany: A BMW on the Autobahn, going 160MPH, one hand on the wheel the other hand flipping you the finger if you dont move out of the way!
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Old May 4th, 2007, 11:22   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #40
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haha, I was looking for a good laugh... this thread definitely took care of that
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Old May 15th, 2007, 11:54   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #41
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Women's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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Old May 15th, 2007, 12:02   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #42
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The train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat ***** in the kitchen."
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Old May 15th, 2007, 12:32   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #43
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hahaha thanks for the laugh, that one cracked me up
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Old May 15th, 2007, 12:36   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #44
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you're very welcome
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Old May 15th, 2007, 12:52   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #45
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A genie from a bottle

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
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Old May 16th, 2007, 08:20   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #46
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Masturbating

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
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Old May 16th, 2007, 09:00   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #47
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the train joke was a good one I've heard some of the other ones before, but they're good too.
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Old May 21st, 2007, 09:09   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #48
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Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Old May 21st, 2007, 11:45   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #49
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lol you're fast becoming the joke queen on FR
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Old May 21st, 2007, 11:57   Go To Top / FR Forum Home / #50
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lol you're fast becoming the joke queen on FR
He he...
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